In this new world of dating apps, whether you’re on them or not, the landscape, behavior, and expectations in dating have changed. Most of your complaints revolve around wasted time and the extra effort that amounts to nothing. But what we also know it’s difficult to stop swiping in hope one match will have the potential for love. It’s like a slot machine in Vegas. You keep trying, feeling like you’re just a breath away from a big win.
I created LEVEL to release you from the time spent on apps and get you out on meaningful dates. But LEVEL can’t match you on a daily basis, that would go against the network’s promise of only meeting individuals who align with your values. Anything less is a waste of your energy and focus.
So in the world outside of LEVEL, l’m going to give you an exercise to help you adopt a new attitude on your journey to find love.
Question 1: How Do Other’s See Me?
The way you present yourself to people will evoke their response and set the tone for your interaction. Being lovable, while it might seem like that’s an inherent attribute, actually takes some introspection.
Before you answer, close your eyes and think. Imagine how people see and receive you. Do you come across as open, warm and accessible? Do people feel an immediate sense of connection with you? Would another person find it easy to adore you, or do people have to earn your trust? Do you wish others would see and feel how wonderful you are in the way that your closest friends and family do?
You see, being “lovable” means people can’t help but love you. It’s a natural feeling that grows within them. They don’t feel this because you expect it, or because you feel you deserve it. In essence, you can’t demand love, or put in on an online dating profile or wish list. And no, all the things you do, your accomplishments, the places you’ve traveled, your job or career, the money in your bank account or even how attractive you are does NOT make you loveable.
Like so many other things I teach, being lovable is an inspired emotion. It doesn’t happen by accident, nor is it a magical, elusive unicorn that’s found in the stars like so many believe.
It’s real and can actually be created — by YOU.
Question 2: Am I getting in my own way of being lovable?
We’re all capable of being lovable. Most of the time, it’s not who we are that limits us, but rather what we do that gets in the way of people feeling close to us. The bad news is that you could be unintentionally exhibiting behavior that prevents a someone from being their most loving self around you, or worse, that’s keeping him from experiencing that feeling at all.
Every day, I see women presenting a list of achievements as a way of calling in a great guy. I witness the lack of knowledge about what makes them lovable, and the result is posturing, holding back, and reserving all of their wonderful qualities as a means of protecting themselves from heartbreak.
I also see both men and women with tough exteriors, unable to show vulnerability and yet asking to be loved — as if people have x-ray vision to see past the walls. And, since none of us have been granted superpowers, you have to show it to get it.
Question 3: Do I exhibit these traits?
Think about how you are in social situations. Do you:
- Present a cold and distant attitude that comes from a deeper insecurity and pain?
- Act competitive with everyone you know?
- Talk with a sarcastic, critical or negative tone?
- Act as if you’re independent so no one feels you might be too needy?
- Qualify your dates with questions rather than experiencing the joy of a simple connection?
None of this works to make you lovable, in fact, it makes it hard for a someone to even truly get to know you. You can’t blame someone for not seeing your magic if you’ve been working overtime to hide it.
Question 4: What can I do to inspire love?
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable. (And no, this isn’t about opening your war wounds and telling your difficult stories; Vulnerability is simply emotional honesty in it’s highest form.)
- Create a space for someone to know you quickly. Again, not your stories, but your heart.
- Learn the art of receiving. It’s as important as the way you give!
- Lovable people are kind, giving, confident, helpful, fun, open and so much more.
- Have coffee with a friend and ask them why they love being with you. The same qualities that your friends love about you are the same qualities the opposite sex will respond to.
- Simplify. Your most basic natural traits can make the biggest splash in someone’s life. Don’t overcomplicate this!
Just because the method in which people meet has changed, that doesn’t mean people at their core have changed. If you’re going to use dating apps, it’s important that you live your truth and not buy into the popular belief that you have to be guarded or fearful about meeting someone this way. Give someone a fraction of your personality and you’ll get a lukewarm response every time. Men and women who know how to inspire a loving feeling are always the people everyone wants to meet, date and get to know.
When in doubt, think of the people you love and reflect on the qualities they possess. You’ll quickly see how easy it is to inspire love without having to do anything other than open your heart.
Love this article… It’s a great reminder to be open, vulnerable and brave. We all want to be lovable and evoke that loving feeling with those around us. Thanks for the words of wisdom and friendly reminder to keep practicing. It reminds me of public speaking – the more you do it, the easier it gets.
You are most welcome Karen. Thank you for your comments!
Q3, #4 – direct hit.
It’s like: independent or needy, choose one.
Currently experimenting with how to strike the “right” balance between the two.
Yes, Lisa. It’s striking a balance. The key is to be 100% authentic and brave. Needy behavior only surfaces when you don’t trust yourself or the person you’re dating.
Thank you for an insightful quiz and description. It’s authentic and deep. I will love to attend your teaching on Feb 13.
Happy New Year!
You are most welcome Sophia. We hope you can make it out to my speaking events!
Thank you Sophia! We hope to see you at our next event!
again, the right message at the right time. Thanks April!
So glad the articles are helpful to you Jeff!
Can you teach how to be lovable? Seems like you allude to it in this article and what the cost might be.