5 Do’s and Don’ts of First Date Communication

I did a FaceBook Live talk on this subject a few months ago- check it out above!

If you’re feeling frustrated with dating and exhausted from the search for love, you’re not alone.

We’re all aware of the ups and downs of dating and the behaviors that have attributed to the decline in morale amongst singles. It’s not just women, either. Men are just as depleted. The speed and inefficiencies of dating apps have dashed a lot of hope out there and with this, even the kindest people skip over some basic gestures that make dating more effortless and rewarding. As a professional matchmaker, I’m not a fan of dating rules but I want to give you a few important things to remember so you can have a better experience dating and avoid the common mistakes people make. It all starts with the first date and the days that lead up to it.

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1. Return Texts Quickly.

In my coaching practice, I see a lot of women who are confused about when to text, how to respond and what to do if someone disappears. There’s a lot of advice online that tells you to play it cool, create mystery and not be too quick to respond. If you have the “Rules” book, please toss it. It’s outdated and you’re smarter and more intuitive than that.

If you want to meet a great guy who’s relationship ready, don’t play games. The good ones won’t respond well and the wrong ones will chase you down but only temporarily. Prioritize this part of your life by really showing up. If a man sends a message or calls you, respond within a few hours (if not sooner) even if you don’t have time to chat right away. It takes only a few seconds to be responsive. It can look like this: “Hi, thank you for the text/call. I can’t chat now but would love to talk later. I’m free this evening.”

If the texting goes on more than a day or two, simply ask him to call you. It’s a simple request and one that will determine his level of interest in you. If he disappears, keep moving and don’t sweat it.

2. Communicate before your date. DON’T build a relationship before your date.

I’m willing to bet you’ve lost count of how many men you’ve texted with but never met in person. Don’t confuse texting and phone calls with dating. If you haven’t met, you’re not dating.

If you’re interested, have a brief call, then get to the date. No need to engage in lengthy chats or weeks of back and forth texting. No one has time for this and if you build a relationship (in your mind) in advance, you set yourself up for disappointment if the date falls flat. This is not the time to figure everything out and see if he’s your dream guy. Just connect, chat and get to the date.

3. Ask meaningful questions. DON’T interview and interrogate.

On your pre-date phone call, your job isn’t to determine chemistry, that’s impossible without meeting someone face to face. All you’re looking for is mutual interest to meet and general rapport.

It’s fine to ask some questions, but if it doesn’t move the needle of connection, don’t ask. Your questions will always land well if the intention is pure. This means, asking simply out of curiosity and the desire to get to know him. If you’re qualifying, it will read as interrogative, rigid and fear based. This is not the time to be efficient. Your love life deserves more patience and exploration.

4. Relax and enjoy.

Not every date is going to lead to a relationship nor should it. Think of a date as an opportunity to get to know someone new and that’s it. Go out with the intention of getting to know someone new and get your eye off the target. You’ll have better experiences and will come across easy going, friendly and open (yes, all men are looking for these traits).

5. Share. Don’t tell stories.

Sharing conversation creates a connection between two people. Telling stories from the past that have nothing to do with the other person doesn’t bring him closer to you. If it’s all about you, you won’t gain the interest you’re hoping to build.

On your next date, pay attention to how a man is listening to you. If you’re observant, you’ll be able to recognize he’s leaning in, pulling back or if his eyes are glazing over.

Sharing is about revealing in order to connect. When someone asks you something that’s meaningful, you’re able to respond honestly with a thoughtful response. You can talk about your ex but no one needs to hear the play by play of how you’ve been hurt. Keep it brief and real. If you’re holding back or your walls are up, it’s impossible for chemistry and connection to flourish.

Final thoughts: Manners matter, so be thoughtful, kind and never forget the humanity that’s all too often missing in dating. Regardless of whether you’ll see a man again, always text or call the next day to say thank you. Gratitude goes a long way.

Wishing you new beginnings and lasting relationships!


Ready to level-up your dating life and get a solid map to follow? I’m here to help. Inquire about booking a 90 minute strategy session with me: coaching@beyerandcompany.com

“In my 25 years of experience working with single men and women, I’ve found successful relationships are built on a solid foundation of self-knowledge, clarity, and confidence. With my private relationship coaching, you can embark on a transformative journey that will lead you to a deeper understanding of your core values and align you for successfully developing a truly fulfilling relationship that can last a lifetime.”
– April Beyer, Founder & CEO of LevelConnections.com

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